ok... now that i've had a few minutes to regroup... i'll remind myself (after the stern lecture) of the things that are going well.

1. good for me for working out every DAMN day this past week (except for X-MAS day-- but i did GREAT job of stuffing my face with countless sugary sweets and fatty delights-- and isn't that what the holidays are all about?!)

2. my meditation/relaxation techniques are coming along nicely -- i will have a quiet mind and inner peace before i KNOW it!!!

3. good for me for keeping the new crib CLEAN (most of the time, anyway)!!

ugggghhhhh...

this is so crazy.... i can't believe i'm resorting to positive affirmations a la BLOG... oh well... i'm in a transitional period right???

i just couldn't leave today on a sour note, i guess.

i need therapy... oh wait... i AM in therapy...

maybe it's time i have another visit with dr. therapist.

i'm not sure when my life will resemble "normal" again. all i know is that i'm TIRED of feeling sorry for myself!! and i'm TIRED of feeling so BLAH- all the time-- these days.

i need to DO SOMETHING.

i need SOLUTIONS to my stupid-ass little problems.

AND I need to get ON with my life!!

if i'd put HALF as much energy into getting out of my lonely little den of hell and MEETING some people as i do sitting here worrying and thinking and analyzing every little "shoulda, woulda, coulda" that I can think up regarding the last 5 to 8 years of my life-- I might actually be making PROGRESS!!!!!

DAMMIT!!

so that's my lecture to myself for this weekend.

i realized the strangest thing today--- i went YEARS without dotting my "i's"... i'm not sure why... anyway, i just recently, say, the last two months or so-- started dotting them again.

it wasn't a conscious decision or anything-- one day i just started dotting.

this week (well, what's left of it) is going to be loooooong. there's only 7 of us here today and there's not a whole lot going on... i have a couple of billable jobs that i can work on, but they are ongoing projects-- so working one them all day, both days is probably out of the question.

one of my co-workers just stopped by my desk and informed me that next thursday will be 01/02/03 .... hmmmm.... indeed it will.

by 3:00 this afternoon i was ready to return home to my lonely little apartment. i had done my holiday duty. the bellies were stuffed, the gifts were ravaged, photos snapped, blahsy, blahsy, blah... my obligatory 24 hours were up.

it actually wasn't so bad.

i really think i needed that time away from my life... and from my own, personal dramas of the the last couple of months...

i needed my mommy to fix my bed after i insisted that i would do it and cook for me and be up and on her way to fetch whatever tasty morsel of holiday goodness it was that i — just, moments before — had said that i'd like one more piece of.... ahhh, to be spoiled by mom when you've had two long months of hell.

mom's are the BEST.

no holiday soap opera here, no controversy, no "rockin' the boat" at MY house at Chrisitmas! NOPE, no sir-EE! just love and feelin' good and most importantly, making sure everybody ELSE was feeling good and OK!

thank GOD... i needed that.

i HAVE, in my absence from my life over the last 24 hours come to a few conclusions:
1. 80% of the time that i bitch and moan about being alone-- is because I made the decision to be by myself (whether i like to admit that or not)
2. 70% of the time that I AM alone, I actually ENJOY it
3. i NEED the alone time right now more than I need to be a fluttering social butterfly...

and besides, i don't feel like fluttering these days... actually i never really flutter anyway.

and 4. i need to find something productive and positive to do with the social time that I DO allow myself.

i'm really trying to become a healthier person. my resolutions-- if you wanna call them that-- for 2003 are the same as they were in 2002, only this time I have the time and mental capabilities (i hope) to succeed.

i want to be a healthier person:
1. physically
2. emotionally
3. spiritually
4. financially

easy, right? HA... we'll see...
(maybe i should be more specific...? naaaaa, i'm definitely more of a "big picture" kinda person.)

one day at a time, right?